


leaving these broken pieces behind you

by MaddieandChimney



Series: Tumblr Prompt Responses [2]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: F/M, Panic Attack, mentions of past domestic violence (non graphic)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:14:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29254284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney
Summary: The words fall from her lips before she can stop them; an automatic response to an immediate threat. That was what she had told Chimney just a few weeks ago.
Relationships: Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Series: Tumblr Prompt Responses [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2129619
Comments: 12
Kudos: 40





	leaving these broken pieces behind you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lifeisahighway88](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lifeisahighway88/gifts).



She’s too lost in her own excitement, recalling childhood memories with her brother whilst Chimney just laughs at the two of them from where he’s standing next to her. Between the light buzz the two glasses of wine have given her and just the joy of the last few months… of dating and being loved by Chimney and discovering new things about him or herself or their relationship every single day, of finding herself surrounded by so many friends and people who have welcomed her into their family without hesitation, of… a job that she adores and a whole new life she never thought could be possible. 

It’s easy to get lost in it all, to forget what had been for just a moment until… until she can’t forget. It happens quickly, yet it feels as though she’s watching it in slow motion, the glass of wine that Chimney had been holding, suddenly stains his white shirt because of her. Because she had been careless. Maddie gulps down the lump in her throat, the laughter dying off quickly as she stares in horror. It was an accident, those are the words that long to fall from her lips but she can’t bring herself to say anything. Chimney laughs, an arm sliding around her waist and she finds herself forcing a smile as she tenses beneath his touch. 

He isn’t Doug. She has to keep reminding herself of that but it’s easy to get lost in her own head. The thought is a sobering one but she’s an expert in keeping up pretences, she’d done it a hundred times before, knowing exactly what the hand on her lower back meant, his nails slightly digging in when no one was looking. But Chimney isn’t him and Doug had _never_ laughed when she had embarrassed herself or him in front of an audience. It had felt like a lifetime ago when she was laughing a few moments before but now it’s as though it was only yesterday. She can practically _feel_ the burning rage of her husband when the memory of her spilling her own drink on him at the hospital annual ball overtakes everything else right then. 

She can remember the flash of anger in his eyes before he had managed to cover it up. She can remember the way his hand wrapped tightly around her waist, his nails digging into her skin before he smiled and told her that everyone makes mistakes. _“The problem is, Maddie, you never learn.”_ That repeats in her head over and over again until it feels as though she can’t breathe and she’s partly grateful for the fact that the party is over. 

It’s only Chimney, there’s nothing to be scared of. He’s never given her any reason to think for even a second that his intentions would be nothing but good but… it’s ingrained within her. Every sense is on high alert, stuck in the loop of the nights she had spent in pain, following Doug’s embarrassment. Whether it had been because of something she had said or done or someone else, or even himself… it was always her fault. It was always something she had to pay the price for, even if she had never been there for the initial event. It’s always her fault. 

The panic doesn’t truly set in until they’re driving back to Chimney’s apartment and Maddie digs her own nails into her thigh in an attempt to pull herself out of it. She’s not with Doug. She’s not in Hershey. When Chimney had laughed, he had _meant_ it. He wasn’t pretending, he wasn’t trying to lull her into a false sense of security. It wasn’t the same… he wasn’t the same and she was safe and she was loved and he would never hurt her. Maddie stares out of the passenger side window, biting down on her bottom lip as she takes a deep, trembling breath. It’s not the same; her mind keeps going over that, repeating it constantly but she can’t convince her body of the same. She’s on edge, waiting for the hand in her hair or the brave act of slamming her head against the window at the risk of someone else seeing. She’s waiting for the softly spoken words that he expects her to believe and once… she had. Once, she had allowed herself to be lulled into that false sense of security until she had stopped believing in the good in her husband and started seeing him for what he really was. It had taken too long, far too long. 

The same words that had once fallen from Doug’s lips, repeat, word for word, without any of the venom but suddenly, she’s not in Chimney’s car anymore. His hand is on her thigh on top of where her own hand rests, and his touch is gentle and his words are patient and soft and she _knows_ in her core that this man would never… _never_ hurt her. But the memories run too deep and her body has memorised each moment so similar to this one and she can’t stop herself from reacting, from trying to protect herself from what she feels is going to happen. “It’s okay, we’ll be home soon.” 

Her body feels as though it’s on fire, awaiting the next move, never knowing what’s going to come. Whether his anger will get the best of him and he’ll lash out there and then or if he will wait for them to be behind closed doors. She’s on edge, her heart thumping hard against her chest as she flinches away, yanking her hand from his as she shakes her head, “I’m so sorry. It was an accident. I’m so sorry. I love you.” The words fall from her lips before she can stop them; an automatic response to an immediate threat. That was what she had told Chimney just a few weeks ago. 

Maddie is waiting for the pain to come, even if logically, she knows it never will. A part of her is screaming at herself to snap out of it because Doug is dead and she’s happy and it’s been so long since her last panic attack. But there she is, waiting for the impact to come, waiting for the storm. 

The car isn’t moving anymore, although she can barely register that over her own thoughts. She’s stuck in a loop - of spilling a drink on Doug’s shirt, everyone around them looks and she can see the flash in his eyes and she knows exactly what’s going to happen the moment she gets home. He smiles and he tells her it’s fine, it was only an accident but his hand is too tightly wrapped around her waist and the words are gritted out and it’s an immediately sobering realisation that she’d embarrassed him and she was going to pay the price for it the moment they were alone. That was _Doug_ and this is Chimney. 

He doesn’t touch her but she hears the engine cutting off and the sound of him clearing his throat as he tries to find the words. Silence fills the car, her harsh breaths being the only occasional sound as she tries her best to focus on the present and all the grounding techniques Frank had taught her. “I’m right here, Maddie.” There’s a waiver in his voice and she knows he’s feeling the emotional weight of the situation, too, the knowledge that she’s not quite fully healed and there’s a probable chance she may never be. The scars run deep and she’s safe and she’s loved and she _knows_ and feels this every single day of her life with him but memories can’t be erased and trauma doesn’t just disappear, as much as she longs for it to. 

She’s not broken. She has to remind herself of that much… it’s not that she’s broken or it’s not that she’s irreparable. It’s just that her body hasn’t quite learned yet that the danger is no longer there. There’s specific moments and events and words and occasions and… even _songs_ or phrases that send her straight back to the world she had once known. And that’s okay, Frank had told her that several times and so had Chimney, it’s _okay._

Her hand blindly reaches for his as some way to anchor herself to the present. Her chest is tight and each breath is harder than the last but Chimney’s fingers lace through hers and she forces herself to remember that that was then and this is now. It takes a moment, as her eyes close and she feels the gentle brushing of Chimney’s thumb against her knuckles, neither of them saying a word as she tries to focus on her breathing instead before the tears start to fall. 

“I forget sometimes,” She finally whispers, when the worst of it is over and the world isn’t spinning quite as much and her chest doesn’t feel as though someone is standing on top of her, “that um… the way he acted wasn’t _normal._ He was all I ever knew… I-I know I had high school boyfriends but never serious… how he was and what he did and… how he reacted… that was my normal, you know? And I know it wasn’t right and I know that… I-I know that you would never but it’s like… muscle memory. If I-- _when_ I,” She’s quick to correct herself, so he knows she’s been in this exact situation before, “spilt a drink on him in front of everyone, it wasn’t funny or it wasn’t just… casual. Something we can laugh about later, you know? It was… an embarrassment. I embarrassed him a-and… I know in my head and in my heart that I’m not there and I’m not married to him and I’m not stuck in his car waiting for him to hurt me the moment I get into that house.” 

Desperate eyes search his and it doesn’t matter how many times this happens or how many times Chimney has held her as she’s cried or told her it’s going to be okay, she still feels as though she’s waiting to see even an ounce of offence in his face. Instead, all she finds is kindness and understanding, tears shining in his own eyes before he nods his head. Maddie takes a breath, “I really am sorry for… spilling your drink all over you and for… probably ruining the rest of the party and for…” For being so damaged. That’s how she wants to end the sentence but suddenly there’s a look that she can only describe as fierce determination in Chimney’s eyes and he’s holding her hand just a little tighter. 

“Never apologise for any of this, you have nothing to be sorry for. And you’re right, sixteen years is a long time... “ There’s a smile on his lips and a tear falls, despite his best attempts to prevent it from doing so, “but I’m going to spend even longer than that making sure that you never feel as though you have to apologise for anything you feel, okay? It’s gonna happen and sometimes it’ll be sudden but I’m here. I’m always right here, you just tell me what you need.” 

Maddie sniffs, wondering - and not for the first or the last time - how she had gotten so lucky to have found him in the midst of all the darkness that had once surrounded her. There’s joy, even right then, even when she’s feeling the weight of her memories on her, she still manages to find that slice of happiness in just being near him or being touched by him or that smile on his face and the love in his eyes. “I just need you.”

“You’ll always have me.” He whispers, lifting her hand to press a kiss to each of her knuckles as she watches him, wondering if it were at all possible to love him even more than she had when she had woken up next to him that morning. “Is it okay if I get us home now or do you need more time?” He asks, he always asks and Maddie knows that if she told him she needed more time and that turned out to be an hour or six, he’d wait. But she nods her head and offers him a watery smile, hoping he knows how much she loves him even though she can’t say it in those exact words. 

She misses the warmth of his touch the second his hand is gone from hers, moving only to rest her hand on his thigh instead to just feel that contact she needs for the next few minutes until they get to his apartment. 

“I knew you hated this shirt.” 

Her eyes feel heavy and each part of her body seems to ache with the exhaustion of everything that had been whirring through her mind that night. But somehow, in the midst of it all, she laughs. The kind of… freeing laugh that temporarily stops the ache when she’s looking at him. “I don’t know what I would do without you.” She finally admits, hoping he understands the meaning behind the words, knowing by the smile on his face that he does. 

“I love you, too.”


End file.
